I signed my first contract with Thomas Nelson Publishers in early 2011.

If you’d asked me then where I thought I’d be 10 years later, I would have dreamed big: My books would be best sellers! I’d be best friends with Francine Rivers and Ted Dekker! I’d be traveling the world with the ridiculous amounts of money I’d be making off my royalties (and giving lots to missions, of course!)!

Spoiler alert: It didn’t quite turn out like that.

Addendum to the spoiler: It’s okay.

I wrote my first book during the summer of 2010, having no idea whether it would ever be published. The next two were written within a year of each other – a contract means deadlines, but also amazing help from a team of some of the most creative people I’ve ever known. I was teaching full-time, so it was busy, but so fun.

My next three books were written in a year and a half. I was still teaching full-time, but my boss was incredibly supportive, and she gave me an easier schedule, along with extra days off.

I was hoping for another contract after I finished the sixth book. Unfortunately, however, the publisher actually needs to make money, and my books weren’t quite doing that. I was disappointed, of course, but I understood. I was honored to have even been able to work with the team at Thomas Nelson, and they had been so kind and encouraging throughout my tenure there. I had more book ideas, though, and I hoped that, with my agent’s help, maybe a smaller publishing house might be interested.

Then my agent called to tell me she felt the Lord moving her to focus on her nonfiction clients. I understood, of course, but it was tough news. While neither the publisher’s nor my agent’s rejection was personal – I remain friends with them, and I have an immense amount of respect for the work they did and what they have gone on to do – I was still hurt. Rejection stinks.

Right after that, our lives got very busy. We moved twice in 12 months, I took on more responsibilities at work, my kids’ sports kept us out more than we were in, and writing became a fond memory. I’d occasionally come up with an idea, work on a proposal, send it off to an agent, get rejected, ask myself why I did that, and then go back to life as usual.

Meanwhile, those “responsibilities” at work I talked about? I added more Drama classes and directing to my schedule, and the more I did, the more I wanted to do. I have always loved teaching. I know it is what God has made me to do (even my writing was an extension of my teaching). But over the last few years, I’ve felt God moving me from ‘mostly English and some Drama’ to wanting to do mostly Drama. So I did more. And last summer, I started work on a Masters in Theater Education.

So have I stopped writing all together? No! I love writing, and I’ll still occasionally send a proposal to an agent (still getting rejections, but they don’t sting nearly as badly as they used to). I had the opportunity to write with Bill Myers and a team of amazing YA authors on a series of novellas a couple years ago, and that was so much fun. I’ve also written scripts for church Christmas and children’s productions. I get to hear from and sometimes even meet with other writers, and that is such a joy.

Many of those writers self-publish and have asked why I don’t pursue that. The world of publishing is changing rapidly – the big publishers aren’t as “necessary” as they once were. Writers need to do so much more than write these days, but they can have a lot more control over their writing than in the past. That’s the thing, though: I like having other people take care of the details – the editing, marketing, selling, posting. It’s A LOT of work to be a writer in the 2020s!! I don’t want to do that much work because I want to spend as much time as possible teaching and directing.

Francine Rivers (we’re not besties, but I still love her!) has a quote that I share with every writer: “Writing is an act of worship.” A friend even had that made into a beautiful framed watercolor for me. Writing allows me to experience a taste of God’s creativity, to have ideas come from nothing and make them into something. And whether those words are ever read, God has given them to me, and I can worship Him through the process of putting fingers to keys or pen to paper. I don’t need to sell my words to worship with them, and my ultimate success is not in the numbers of units sold, but in Christ alone.

So am I a writer? It depends on your definition: Am I making money writing? No. Am I writing? Yes, always. It’s part of who I am.

In the end, however, when I look back on my life, I want to be able to say that I was faithful to whatever God called me to, in whatever season. I enjoyed my season as a published writer – and who knows, maybe that door will open again! But for now, I feel that the next season will see me behind a director’s desk more than behind my computer screen. But who knows…

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. ~Proverbs 16:19